Priceless Mayonnaise Uhm Sorry Princess Diaries
by Clarisse Renaldi
Summary: Joseph: "I couldn't ask you to marry me about my knee replacement, you know I couldn't kneel down, and I didn't know that you could ask a woman to marry you without kneeling down."


**Priceless Mayonnaise Uhm Sorry Princess Diaries**

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing, just the storyline.

**Author's Note:** Hi Everybody! This is my PD parody. I wanna parody the PD movies, my own stories, and all the stories on fanfiction about PD. I hope you will like it.Thanks to Captain Weirdo for her lovely review! Hugs you. You were the only one. Hey, everybody is on holiday? Anyway, I dedicate this story to Tabby.

And another thing. Hey, can anybody realized that Jane Morris from PD2 (alias Gretchen, Viscount Mabrey's maid) was Lady Evergreen in PD1 on the state dinner? She argued at the table with drunken Lord Flicker, who caused that big chaos.Oh and all the deleted scenes from PD2 is on youtube now.

And now, let's see the story…

It was a beautiful summer afternoon in Genovia. The sun shined brightly, the air was hot and colorful butterflies crossed the sky, while little birds helped Mia get dressed in her suite.

There was perfect peace in everywhere. In the palace's garden, the gardeners watered the flowers, the chef collected some vegetables for dinner, while Mrs. Kaut chatted with Olivia about the ball, and the guards enjoyed the afternoon sun at their posts. So the garden was absolutely stuffed with friendly, peppy people on this shiny afternoon…

And Clarisse was also there with her sexy, handsome, sweaty Head of Security and slowly walked towards the gazebo…

"Clarisse my dear. Forget the wedding for a moment." said Joseph husky and grabbed her hand to stop her. But as the words slipped out of his perfect mouth, something strange happened….

"Yes?…" started Clarisse, and she couldn't continue. She just stood there in frozen, and watched the people around them. In exactly four seconds, everybody disappeared… That was like a fire-control practice…

"What?... What's going on here?" asked Clarisse with disbelieve in her voice and turned to Joseph. 'They started to run when you mentioned the wedding. Do you have a bomb or something else?'

"Don't bother with them. You know how silly Genovians are."

"Oh… Well, right." sighed Clarisse. "But this will be commented later… And now, you wanted to tell me something…"

"Me?" asked Joseph. "Oh, yes. Yes, you're right." He cleared his throat in a sexy way.

"Well?"

"Well, we know each other a long ago… " started Joseph. "And we spent a lot of time at the lake, you know in every summer with the princes. Those card parties were great…"

"Yes I can remember." said Clarisse with a strange look on her face. "Joseph…"

"And I think you enjoyed it too."

"What?" asked Clarisse.

"The summers at the lake."

"Oh, yes. Yes, but…"

"So we were happy through the years, am I right? It was a bit dark, I mean we were in the darkness like now…" said Joseph.

"Joseph, take off your sunglasses. The sun is shining brightly…"

"No, I mean we are in the darkness symbolically. It has been a long way Clarisse. And now we arrived to that point, where we can step out to the light." said Joseph with unworldly.

"…Do you joined to a sect?" asked Clarisse shocked.

"What? No, I just…"

"Or did you drink?"

"No! I… I'm just speaking about the shadows…" answered Joseph.

"Excuse me, Your Majesty." smiled Charlotte and came up quickly.

"Not now Charlotte." ordered Clarisse and held up her hand.

"As you wish Your Majesty." bowed Charlotte and turn around, but she did not disappear, just hid behind the gazebo as the other twenty-five people next to her in the garden… They didn't want to miss a word…

"Go on Joseph." said Clarisse with restless in her voice.

"So, I'm just trying to say, that…"

"What? Out it with Joseph! I'm gonna die, before you would tell me what do you want."

"So our friendship is in the shadows now and…"

"Joseph!" shouted Clarisse.

"He wants to ask you to marry him." said Charlotte impatiently as she stepped out.

"What?! Is it true Joseph?" asked Clarisse and turned to look at him.

"Well, we should bring our friendship out of the shadows… well, yes. She's right." said Joseph finally.

"Oh Joseph." smiled Clarisse with tears in her eyes, while Charlotte softly disappeared. "Why didn't you tell me this earlier?"

"'Cos… Look Clarisse. I have wanted to ask you to marry me for fifteen years…" said Joseph softly and grabbed her hand.

"Fifteen years? Oh, Joseph. Why did you wait for so long?"

"About my knee replacement." answered Joseph simply.

"What?! Your knee replacement? What does this do to the proposal?"

"I couldn't ask you to marry me about my knee replacement, you know I couldn't kneel down. And I didn't know that you could ask a woman to marry you without kneeling down. I just came to know it last week. So, that's why I didn't ask you earlier." sighed Joseph.

"Oh Joseph. I love you so long. You're my everything. You're the most perfect thing in the whole word." smiled Clarisse.

"No, that's you." whispered Joseph.

"No. You."

"No, Clarisse. You're a real miracle."

"No. You are a miracle, and I love you so."

"So you say yes?" asked Joseph happily and smoothed his muscular chest with one hand.

"No."

"What?!"

"Yes… No… Yes. Oh, I really don't know Joseph." cried Clarisse.

"Darling, look at me, please." asked Joseph and cupped her cheek. "Tell me what the matter is."

"It's Mia, and Genovia, and Rupert, and my responsibilities as queen…"

"Rupert? He died six years ago."

"Well then Mia, Genovia and my responsibilities. Don't be so fussy! You know what's the point." answered Clarisse restlessly.

"Yes, but I still don't understand you. Clarisse, I've waited for so long, please don't do this to me." asked Joseph softly.

"Well, I…"

"Look. If you will not marry me, I will go away forever or I will kill myself. I haven't decided yet, but I will do it, I swear."

"Oh, all right." sighed Clarisse.

"Is it a yes?" asked Joseph.

"Yes. I will marry you." smiled Clarisse and kissed his hot lips.

"Oh, Clarisse. I can't tell you how happy I am." smiled Joseph as he broke the kiss a few moments later. "And this kiss… I really enjoyed it. That was our second kiss."

"No. That was the third one." said Clarisse softly.

"Which was the second one?"

"The first one was at the lake, and the second one on the ball." smiled Clarisse and cupped his face gently.

"No that was the third one on the ball, well that means it was the…"

"The fourth."

"No, the fourth was in your room, while you were sleeping." said Joseph.

"I beg your pardon?"

"Yes, I just couldn't resist you, sorry."

"So then, it was the fifth."

"Fifth?" asked Joseph.

"No sorry, the sixth one, 'cos the fifth one was after that party, you know at Christmastime, you drank a bit, and I… well I kissed you under the mistletoe." said Clarisse shyly.

"Oh, so that was you."

"What? Who else?" asked Clarisse angrily.

"Nothing. Nothing. I'm just kidding. I thought that was Maurice."

"Maurice? Why did you think that was Maurice?"

"'Cos you know, I drank a lot, so I didn't see clearly and the kiss was… well wet, and juicy…"

"That's disgusting. How can you speak to me like that? Joseph. I think I have to change my mind."

"What?"

"I won't marry you."

"But Clarisse, my darling. Please Honey. Don't do this to me. You cannot be serious. A minute ago, you said yes. "

"Yeah I know, but… Oh, Joseph I cannot decide so fast. I need a little time. And now I have to go, sorry." said Clarisse and started to leave.

"Clarisse!" shouted Joseph, but she quickly disappeared…

OOOOOOOO

Inside the palace….

"Your Majesty." said Charlotte as she came up with Clarisse.

"Not now Charlotte."

"But Your Majesty, we have to conciliate your programs."

"Well, right. Go on, just be quickly."

"Ok. So tonight, there will be a dinner with the Spanish ambassador, then a meeting with Mr. Montaz. Tomorrow, you have to eat breakfast with Viscount Mabrey and Mr. Montaz, then you will meet at the orphanage with Lord Palimore and the Spanish ambassador. The lunch will be at the hotel with Viscount Mabrey and Mr. Montaz. Then a little garden party at Lord Palimore's house, where the Spanish ambassador and Viscount Mabrey also present themselves. Then…"

"Then will be a dinner with Mr. Montaz in the palace and a quick meeting with the Spanish ambassador. Yes, I know Charlotte. Thanks. But, now I have to go. And I'm sorry if I was rude or…"

"Never mind. I UNDERSTAND Your Majesty. I just wanna take you an advice." smiled Charlotte sadly.

"Really? And what will be that?"

"You know, courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear."

"Thanks Charlotte." smiled Clarisse and went to her office.

She has nearly arrived, when Mia suddenly appeared…

"Oh, Grandma. Finally." sighed Mia.

"Hello darling. What's the matter? You're so excited."

"Yes, I heard what happened in the garden between you and Joseph."

"Really? But how?" asked Clarisse.

"You know, the maids know everything." smiled Mia.

"Oh, yes. How could I forget that?" sighed Clarisse. "And do you wanna take me an advice too?"

"Well, yes. But I won't make a speech this time, I just wanna tell you one thing. I heard it from dad…"

"Oh no."

"So Grandma, you have to know that, courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear."

"Thanks Honey, that was sweet. But now, I have to do some work." smiled Clarisse leniently and continued her way…

OOOOOOOO

In the Queen's office…

As Clarisse sat down to her desk, she turned a page in the calendar, and when she did this, she suddenly saw the message of the month… And that was believe it or not…

'_Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.'_

"Oh really? I've never heard that before." sighed Clarisse and rolled up her eyes…

OOOOOOOO

Next morning in the ballroom…

"Good morning Your Majesty." bowed Joseph.

"Oh good morning Joseph." smiled Clarisse then turned to Charlotte. "Would you be so kind to inform the Spanish ambassador about the meeting?

"Certainly Your Majesty." bowed Charlotte. "Do you want something to eat now?"

"Well, yes Charlotte. Please bring me something from the kitchen."

"Egg and toast with pear flavor or pear pudding is what you like?"

"Anything will do it Charlotte. You know, I cannot feel taste after that horrible pear festival. And anyway, what difference does it make?" asked Clarisse.

"Very true Your Majesty." smiled Charlotte and went to the kitchen.

"Clarisse." whispered Joseph and stepped closer. "Have you… have you been thinking about us? I hope you changed your mind."

"Oh Joseph." sighed Clarisse and cupped his cheek. "It's so hard to me."

"Yes I know. You have been wearing black too long. And anyway, you have been wearing too much clothes on you." whispered Joseph and started pull down her scarf with his strong, masculine hand.

"Joseph." asked Clarisse. "Please don't do this. I have my duties as queen." She was begging now, and gently cupped his face with her other hand too.

"Excuse me Your Majesty." said Charlotte as she suddenly stepped in.

"Not now Charlotte."

"But the Spanish ambassador will be here in any minute."

"Really?... Oh, right, I'm coming." answered Clarisse and wanted to let off her hands, but she couldn't…

"Here he comes." said Charlotte and turned to the queen.

"Stop him Charlotte!" cried Clarisse. "I can't let off my hands from Joseph's face.

"What? Right." said Charlotte quickly and ran out to stop him.

"Joseph." cried Clarisse. "Help me."

"I'm trying, I'm trying." answered Joseph desperately. "Wait a minute."

"What is it?" asked Clarisse.

"Maybe it's a sign."

"A sign?"

"Yes, a sign. So it probably means that you have to say yes."

"Oh, Joseph. That's nothing to do with fate, it's just your aftershave. You know, that one with the…oh, what's the name?"

"Black suit." answered Joseph husky.

"Hm black suit. Yes." whispered Clarisse and she completely forgot about her awkward situation.

"I love you." whispered Joseph.

"Oh Joseph. You're so damn hot." smiled Clarisse and leant closer to kiss him.

"Clarisse… Clarisse."

"Yes, what's the matter?"

"Can you stop this?"

"What? The kiss?"

"No, not the kiss. This shaking with your hands. You're knocking out my teethes."

"Oh I'm sorry darling, but you're doing this to me. I always start to shaking, when I touch you."

"Oh Clarisse!" cried Joseph and kissed her.

"Your Majesty. Your Majesty." rushed in Charlotte.

"Damn it. I just want one second for myself." cried Clarisse. "Not now Charlotte."

"I'm sorry Your Majesty, but I can't hold him up anymore."

"Well, right. I will meet him, just help me."

"Of course." answered Charlotte and whipped Clarisse's hands off with a quick movement from Joseph's cheeks.

"Thanks Charlotte." sighed Clarisse and massaged her hands a bit. "And now, after all this, I think it's time for tea. Joseph do you want to join me?"

"Yes, thank you. But I don't like tea. Coffee is more my kind of thing." winked Joseph.

"Yes I know." smiled Clarisse mischievously then turned to Charlotte. "Where is the ambassador?"

"He is sitting in the lobby. Your Majesty, please be kind with him." said Charlotte.

"Why?"

"You know, he still didn't dare to tell his wife the truth. He just needs a little encouragement."

"Really? And what should I say?" asked Clarisse. "Probably… courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important that fear?"

OOOOOOOOOOOO

Later that day in the Queen's suite…

"Hello Clarisse." smiled Joseph as he stepped in and closed the door.

"Oh Joseph. What a lovely surprise."

"I just wanted to speak with you." He stepped closer and sat next to her on the bed.

"Speak? Are you sure?" teased him Clarisse.

"Well, not just speak…" smiled Joseph and slowly kissed her. "You like it, hm?"

"Yeah. I like it. I would love to do this in the rest of my life."

"So have you been thinking about us?" asked Joseph suddenly.

"Damn it!" cried Clarisse and pulled away. "Why do you have to ruin every sweet moment with this bloody sentence?"

"I just want to know your answer."

"And I can't decide." shouted Clarisse for an answer.

"Look Clarisse. You have to decide sooner or later, 'cos…"

"'Cos?"

"'Cos I can't wait any longer. I can't bear this suspense." said Joseph and pulled out a knife.

"Joseph! What are you doing with this knife?" asked Clarisse in panic.

"I don't want it, but if you don't say yes, I have to kill myself." said Joseph and lifted up the knife.

"No Joseph!" cried Clarisse. "I can't lose you… Right. Right, I say yes."

"Really?" asked Joseph and lowered his hand.

"Yes… or… No… I can't do this. I must not do this. Please understand me Joseph. I have to choose duty over love. It was drummed into me my whole life."

"Then now, you have to lose the only man you ever really loved." said Joseph and held up the knife.

"No! Please Joseph! Don't do this!"

"Will you marry me or not? You have to decide Clarisse, first time in your life."

"Yes. No. I mean yes. Oh I can't decide." cried Clarisse from frustration.

"Then…" started Joseph and held up again the knife.

"Wait!" cried Clarisse and grabbed his hand. "Let me think a little. Just give a few minutes, right? I have to think clearly… Let's see it. First and foremost, I'm the queen, so I have to say 'no' about my duty to my country. But as a woman I also need love, and I can't live without you, so I have to say 'yes'. However, I'm not a normal woman from the street, so I can't see my own demands and I have to say 'no', but I also must say 'yes', 'cos I can't lose you…." Clarisse just spoke and spoke and spoke. After 30 minutes, she finally arrived to the end of her message. "So I have to say 'yes'. Yes! I've decided Joseph!... Joseph?" asked Clarisse and turned to him with a radiant smile. "Joseph?... Oh my God! Joseph!" shouted Clarisse desperately. "No! No! No!"

OOOOOOOOOOOOO

Well guys, Joseph lost control in the twentieth minute, and killed himself with the knife…

And what's the lesson?

It's simple. Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear. Well done Joe!

The End

Author's Note: Thanks for reading, and now please review!


End file.
